Tuesday, March 22, 2011

What to do with Gaddifi?


Well the time of Colonel Muammar Gaddafi's reign is running out. Will he be hailed accountable for his crimes? Or will he simply live in exile in some tropical place? If the first option isn't upheld, I believe that a third should be held over this despicable second, Gaddafi should for the common good be forced to do some tedious, stereotypical job once he is given the boot, from Libya. This job should have two fundamental requirements for his application to be considered, the first is that it must be immensely self-deprecating for the hilarity and general amusement of the world. Secondly he must be in the constant eye of the general public.
Gaddafi already has the outfit to be the doorman of the New York Plaza Hotel. If he is given this job, he should not be allowed to be tipped, and forced to live in the boilers closet on a mattress made from dirty old sheets, especially ones that contain very disturbing and questionable stains placed on top of a soggy layer of cardboard boxes containing toxic cleaning chemicals. He should also be on call 24 hours a day to do various odd jobs like opening and closing windows, fixing things that in essence don’t really need to be fixed, as well as room service, moving and lifting heavy shit. He must call everyone sir, even anyone that is somehow beneath him on the employee roll, his uniform must also not fit properly on purpose, and the company should always be making an example of him in full public view. Lastly he should be given nothing but a tooth brush and be told to fix any plumbing issues that may occur.
Another option would be that he should be hired by Adult Swim on Cartoon Network and made into an even fouler, shameful, idiotic character than he is already. It must be filmed live action, and he shall be deprived of sleep and brain washed to the point that he is convinced that he is a character in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”
While we are in media for a possible employment opportunity, I propose a new talk show should be aired on a specially created network funded by Oprah. The show should feature Mike Huckabee as the co-host of Gaddafi. Oprah has to fund this for all the shitty books she’s gotten people to read (especially the secret).
Another possibility is a fate worse than death proposed for the deposed Libyan dictator; he should put to work as a nurse assisting the most senile, difficult, racist elderly people in a retirement home. This home has to have a good mix of people losing their minds, people dumped there by their families, as well as disgruntled veterans. And Gaddafi must have group of security guards to make sure that the old folks just beat him with canes to the edge of death, and not further. This should also be aired as a reality show on A&E after “Dog the Bounty Hunter”. I strongly encourage and will be open to additional suggestions.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

10 Unconsequential Life Lessons.

#1 Beware of religions involving the concept of "snake worship".

#2 Shooting something with a crossbow only causes more problems, and although it seemed so at the time is more often than not a bad idea, unless its really funny.

#2 While we are still on the subject of archery, the marriage between archery and alcohol will always end in an accident.

#3 There are not smart people, just those of us that are less stupid.

#4 Making an elaborate story full of details is not at all a good way to cover your tracks.

#5 Don't start anything you cant finish. I started a war against Cockroaches, failing to see that because they outlived the dinosaurs and every major mass extinction that victory for me would be about as likely as a needle actually in a haystack.

#6 Before making a list of 10 life lessons make sure you can muster 10 life lessons, the rest of this is going to be bullshit (as if the rest wasn't already bullocks).

#7 If it tastes like chicken, you're probably eating chicken and got scammed by the chef.

#8 Following the yellow brick road only leads to being accompanied by 3 fucking losers, and constant air assault from flying Monkeys, encountering a fraud who informs you all you had to do was walts out of this clusterfuck only to awake and find yourself living on in a nightmare dust bowl ravaged farm in the 8th circle of Dante's Inferno.

#9 If it looks like a pig, sounds like a pig, walks like a pig, You're an idiot for questioning it.

#10 If you made it this far, got help you have almost as much down time as me.

The Crisis in Egypt


The middle-east is a mess. It is the most troubled region in the world, there is war, oppression, and outright chaos. Egypt has taken the spot light at the moment. The 30 year reign of President Muhammad Hosni Mubarak has been one that has been shrouded in controversy since its inception following the assassination of President Omar Sadat by Egyptian Army Officers angry with this treaty with Israel following the Six Day War. There is lots of confusion in the word about this crisis. Some say it is the overthrow of a tyrant, others say it is just going to lead to the rise of another theocracy based ideological state in a region so filled with that already. But what is it really?

Let’s go back and look at history, not just history of the modern state of Egypt but going back to the land of the Pharaohs, in a time all but forgotten. Egypt is among the earliest and greatest civilizations the world as ever known. This is in-spite of the fact that the proud nation with such rich cultural heritage lies in the middle of the Sahara Desert. It is due to the miracle of the Nile River, that allows crops to grow, thus enabling an agricultural based powerhouse to flourish in the ancient world in a place the ancients called "The bread-basket of the world". Wars have been fought on this land for centuries, not just for its important resources but also for its location. Egypt holds among the most strategically located places on the map, it’s located at the northeast corner of Africa. To the North is the Mediterranean Sea where the Nile River empties into. The Nile pierces into the heart of Africa, making it the world’s longest running river. To the east, is Asia, and just to the north of that is Europe. It is due to its location that Egypt became among the most sought after prices in the world to conquer. It lies on the primary rout trade route of the ancient world, The Silk Road. Nations that conquered Egypt include many of the world’s greatest empires, The Hittites, The Assyrians, The Greeks, The Romans, The Arabs, The Ottoman Turks, and finally the British. The full list is much more comprehensive and probably never will be know entirely for sure. This stresses the strategic placement of the country though.

After Egypt finally gained its independence for Great Briton, the nation like it has so many times before in history remained a powerhouse in the region. The Suez Crisis of the 1960's escalated into one of the most important lesser known conflicts in modern warfare. WWIII was very narrowly avoided as well in this, as many historians would argue. Another crisis was the formation of the State of Israel. One the ignited centuries of turmoil between two Semitic peoples going back thousands of years to the tale of Abraham that the three great religions of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam claim a common originate from. Egypt finally sued for peace with Israel following the destruction of its military by the IDF during the Six Day War. For this Egypt lost its membership to the Arab League of Nations, and as mentioned above earlier, Omar Sadat lot his life, killed by army officers who felt disgraced and betrayed for this. But even with the attempted coup and assassination of the President, Egypt under President Mubarak (who was vice-president under Sadat) made good on the peace treaty, and continued to act intermediately between Israel and Palestine during peace talks. This has proved invaluable for foreign affairs and policy in the region, not just for the middle-east, but also for the United States, who have interests in the region, and close alliances as well. Egypt was finally admitted back into the Arab League in the 1980's. They nation has continually supported the United States in foreign policy several times over the years, from the Israeli- Palestinian conflicts, to the Libyan turmoil brought by Omar Kaddafi, and to the war on terrorism.

Even with this invaluable support the Egyptian Government has not been an excellent example of democracy in the works to say the very least. There have been reports of the illegal detention of so called enemies of the state, which includes journalists and other intellectuals. The oppression to the people of Egypt is beyond a doubt real. It is an issue that needs to be addressed, but in an orderly way. The chaos on the streets, the hundreds, maybe even thousands of casualties as a result, the endless looting are all a huge issue to consider before making a decision on how to handle this situation.

What should be done is that the United States Government and the Obama administration should bite their tongues and pledge their support for the current regime. It is as simple as this, they have gone out on the limb and given us a hand in key crisis' even with massive disapproval from the public, we should return the favor. As a nation how can our allies trust us when we take, and take, and take, but never give? A key part of international diplomacy is loyalty. And we are not being loyal. And with this chaos, who run the Egyptian Government? The mob? The Muslim Brotherhood? The Carter administration made the very dame mistake when handling the overthrow of the Shah of Iran. When the mob rules, it is the guys with the biggest guns that take control, and those guys in Egypt are the Muslim Brotherhood. We do not need or want another nation sympathetic go Jihad in that very troubled region. Al-Qaida is far from defeated, and intelligence reports confirm this. T.E. Lawrence, better known as "Lawrence of Arabia" said this "Rebellions can be made by 2 percent activity in the striking force and 98 percent by the passively sympathetic". This is all that needs to occur for an Islamic Fundamentalist Regime to take route. It is not in our best interest, nor in Egypt's, or the worlds for that matter to have another Iran. As for the destruction of antiquities and looting of the museum, that is not just the destruction of Egypt's heritage, but also of the worlds.

Why I Love the English Language


The English Language is one of the greatest expiratory oral exhibitions of sound ever to be created. President Clinton would disagree, he likes a repeating but consistent squashing sound coming from the muffled mouth of a fat chick, this oddly sounds similar to a leaky washing machine that rats of chewed the back end, making occasionally shutter. But enough of the overly extended metaphor (I was referring to Clinton getting a blow job in the oval office). The English language is great for the one reason that is officially not an inflective tongue, yet we have words that sound the same yet mean completely different things such as:

"Blow" as in "Man, Johnny got some damn fine blow in Hide Park last night"

This word is different but equally criminal in nature here "Saw Johnny at the corner last night. He was giving blow to buy more blows"

I love English. You can call America an imperialist asshole nation full of fat cheeto munching morons mooning the rest of the world, but remember this, when you come to America you will encounter a melting pot of assholes. Better understand what the hell is going on. Hell none of you probably have gotten this far and if you have, you need therapy bad. But anyway the English Language needs to be preserved. Sure language continually evolves, eventually changing into something unrecognizable from its original form, but evolution involves progress. What if we as a species had discovered fire, created the wheel, and created alcohol, all of these things contributing to the eventual urbanization of society, and to the we blew by incorporating all these things into one irresponsible activity at once?  Well, Ted Kennedy did it, but you get the flipping point. The point is don't give me these abbreviations for texts are part of the inevitable extension of language. I'll tell you one thing; this fancy talk of me may lead to the inevitable extension of some illiterate jocks fist into my totally pretentious face. The point is we must save language every time and individuals vocabulary does not expand, but either stays where it is and often shrinks, well that is verbal sodomy. Don't get me wrong sure it may be fun, but for fuck sake just do it once or twice, not all the time!

The Trouble With Libyia

Libya is just the latest country in the geographic aneurysm known as "the middle-east". It's a cluster-fuck of chaos. Not only does the country lay in the heart of the Sahara Desert, where sandstorms blow harder and more Violently than Charlie Sheen on a Saturday night, but it is also the Shelbyville of the world. It's that shitty knock off of the majestic history changing bread-basket of the ancient world, Egypt. They didn't even make an attempt at pyramids. Morons. Why is Libya rebelling now? Well for two fundamental reasons. The first I have just said, Libya is the jealous, unimpressive neighbor to Egypt. To make another vague, arcane pop culture reference they are they are the Sindbad character to Arnold Schwarzenegger(Egypt, respectfully) in "Jingle All the Way". The second reason goes as follows. Colonel Gaddafi is in such a rut and made such a complete mess of things because that stupid fez is cutting off the blood circulation from his brain. These two aspects form the hammer and anvil tactic towards the self implosion of an already unimpressive, irrelevant at best country in the world. They are only rebelling now because Egypt did. If Egypt jumped off a cliff, Libya would do the same. Well, they would probably try but just before the final leap would trip and hurt themselves, skinning their knees in the attempt. They are in essence "The Biggest Looser", only unlike reality television but like reality, they are a bulimic pathetic sad sack who long ago already ate and vomited away what little potential they had.

Irish Poem

Is breá liom thú
Do áilleacht dorcha
Do blas réidh ar mo bheola
Mo fadhbanna teitheadh

Mé riamh pout
le haghaidh bhfuil tú mo Stout amháin
I Guinness confide I
Mo fadhbanna subside
Chun tú breá liom

Just a thought

Some of may have seem my link on Saint Guinnort, that I posted earlier this week. If not, he is the only saint that is not a human but a dog (though never officially recognized by the Church, but was locally canonized). Now all of you know that I am a skeptic by nature, and tend to frequently mock the notion of religion. It’s also well known that I have little interest at all in such metaphysical matters. It’s not that I don’t believe in god, but I simply don’t care either way and am happy living my life this way at present and have been so for some time now.

But I got to thinking, Dogs are faithful, they are loyal, eager to please companions who have traditionally been entrusted with responsibilities that no other domesticated animal has. Dogs complete these deeds and tasks, because they want to, and are bread to. They have about as much hesitation in do these things as they do to breath. Different breads do different things. Some heard cattle, there are watch dogs, hunting dogs, helping dogs, and dogs whose sole purpose is to do nothing more than lift your spirits, with wag of a tail, and a cheerful antic that brings a guaranteed smile to your face. Dogs do these things. Could dogs be angels on earth?

Laugh at this notion, it’s funny, but I feel it is relevant to look into. You will never have a better accepting friend than a dog. The notion of unconditional love is not known as that to them, because that is the only feeling a dog feels for its master. Now if that isn't divine I don't know what the hell is. Even the name "dog" is an anagram for the divine. That last idea may be attributed to simply linguistics but, I'm going to suspend that notion for this time and trust my little four legged friends to be there when I'm down, and take a romantic view for once instead of a "realist" one.

Ireland, "The Troubles", and the Solution

As Americans we have long had a somewhat isolationist attitude to the turmoil in other places across the world. This is true today, even with the two ongoing foreign military adventures in what was once called the "War on Terror" and now referred to as "The Overseas Contingency Operation" today. But this is not an editorial about my grievances with the current administration’s policies here stateside. It is about something very dear and close to me, Ireland. Having family that live there, and witnessed some of the horror of the troubles first hand, and being able to claim dual citizenship myself, I keep a very close eye on the climate.

I have not been back to Ireland in nearly two years. My family is from Newcastle in County Down originally. But some of them reside in Bambridge today. On my last trip in 2009 I had the opportunity to tour The Irish Assembly at Stormont. Mr. John McCallister very generously gave an extensive tour of the building, as well as let us observes a hearing and new propositions. The Ulster Unionist Party member and representative for South Down also treated us to a wonderful lunch. We even saw notorious Sinn Fienn and former IRA brigade commander Martin McGuiness (who I observed first-hand sleeping through proceedings). My gratitude for Mr. McCallister for this as well as his patience and explaining quiet extensively the rules and workings of government, cannot be expressed enough.

But it was something else I noticed, something profound and unexpected that nearly brought tears of joy to me, for it seemed so beautiful; it was the cooperation and progress for peace between the Protestant majority and Catholic minority that struck me. In 2006 my last visit prior to 2009, there seemed to be a sense of unrest, check points were at roads, the RUC was at the ready. Things seemed to have boiled down then, but also seemed that they could explode without warning once again. But in 2009, not just at legislative level was progress being made, but at the level of the common man. Neighborhoods had integrated together. Protestant and Catholics alike detest civic unrest, first when The Real IRA killed British Soldiers from the Para shoot Regiment about to be deployed and a pizza man. They also gathered together to defend the molestation towards a family of Polish Immigrants by common thugs on the street in Belfast, organizing a neighborhood watch to help insure their safety. Things looked great.
            It was at the end of last week that Gerry Adams announced his resignation from his post to immigrate and run for office in the Republic of Ireland. Adams ignored a long tradition of accepting an Office for Profit from the crown. To which he has said this: "I have had no truck whatsoever with these antiquated and quite bizarre aspects of the British parliamentary system." The belligerence is nothing short of disgraceful, although he may be a firm supporter of home rule, it was in accordance with the ongoing peace process following the Good Friday Agreement that he accepted along with other IRA members a post in Government. Although this episode does leave a sour taste in the mouth, it is a step in the right direction. Ireland and indeed anywhere would be benefited with a few less Gerry Adams' and Ian Paisley types for that matter too. Progress I believe is still being accomplished. A permanent peace will one day be reached, in a land that is so beautiful, so rich with culture but also tragedy. It is time for the old dogs like Adams and Paisley to step down, and let a new generation step in. Already this latest lot of MP's like the above mentioned McCallister have advocated and acted in bipartisan legislatures to make for a better tomorrow. This is Democracy in action, this is idealism, this is Patriotism, not for home rule or unionists alike, but for duty to country. This is Northern Ireland today.