Deal with the Devil

“Why is it always the crossroads? Damn me, if it isn’t always the miserable crossroads in some miserable part of the South that is even worse than the eternal Hell-fire we reside in.” The Devil spoke to his attorney, noted barrister Edward Clarke.

            Lucifer, Prince of Darkness was a tall, thin man. He had a pale complexion with red eyes. The red eyes were not necessarily evil, or threatening looking as they were intense. His hair was long and black combed neatly back, while his cloths were of the finest quality. He wore a gray three piece suit with a pocket watch in his vest pocket. His tie was red. He was a dark sort of handsome.

            “People expect things to be done a certain way my lord.” Clarke’s response was about as convincing to the Devil as his ridiculous sideburns were plausible.

            “Clarkey you do know that part of the reason you’re in Hell is for that atrocious facial hair. Really that is more of the reason than you being a total ass and convicting a fellow classmate from your school days, who also happens to be one of the best poets for crimes of sexual misconduct. There is no sexual misconduct you fool, just sexual conduct!”

            Clarke blushed but decided to ignore that provocation. He was a skilled lawyer in his day, yet he could always be out maneuvered by his satanic client and overlord. He had never thought about it, until now but one of the greatest, and ironic torments in all of Hell, was eternal abstinence. So he would wait, it was almost witching hour, the time when all demonic interactions had to occur in the physical world. This was again due to some divinely inspired legal clause from long ago.

            Just then, the Devil’s phone rang. The caller I.D. said Lilith. He let it ring a few times, before frustratingly answering the unwanted, bothersome call. “What is now?”

            “Darling get some dry dog food?” She continued with an unneeded explanation. “Blondi has run out.” Blondi happened to be the only dog in Hell. He was Hitler’s German shepherd.

            “Yes. Fine. Okay, I will get dry food for the dumb dog.” He hung up the phone.

“You know Clarke; I really did love her once. Honestly. But she is the very root to all my miserable suffering. Hell was a superb bachelor’s pad before that bitch was cast out of Eden and seduced me.” She was the only person to have ever played the Devil. “She nags the very Hell out of me.” He waved his hands in a laconic gesture to emphasize his point. “Milton had it right, at one point I was a rebel. Now I’m a prisoner.”

            “Its time sir” Clarke said as he looked at his watch, for the thousandth time that night. Just as Clarke informed the Devil of this, a car pulled up. The car was an ugly thing. It was a 1974 AMC Gremlin, colored white, with a distinctive rust coloration sporadically scattered throughout the vehicle. The car engine stopped running, but not before a large cloud of fumes shot out through the tail pipe.

            Stepped out of the car was a disheveled woman, she looked like she was around thirty, give or take a few years. She had long, red hair, emerald green eyes, and a lovely figure. She wore an overcoat, even though it wasn’t all that cold outside. “Are you him?” The lovely looking woman asked.

            “I am he.” The Devil replied. “This is my lawyer; he’s here to for the necessary paperwork.”

            “I’m Clare St. Thomas. I hear you buy souls?” The reply was confident, almost chilling.

            “That’s the rumor. What do you want? Fame? Be a rock-star? Or is it just cash? Lots and lots of cash.” He had the pitch of salesman.

            “My little boy has cancer. His father isn’t around no more.”

            “What kind of cancer? Did daddy run away, find a younger woman perhaps?” This wasn’t meant as a taunt, but a genuine inquiry. Lucifer felt intoxicated. He had never had a feeling like this ever, not even with Lilith. He thought that with Lilith, there had been love, but as he looked into the eyes of Claire, it donned on him, that it was nothing more than blind lust.

            The look on Claire’s face gave nothing away, if she was insulted she hid it well. “Daddy died in Iraq. William, my son, has a brain tumor.”

            “Have you tried praying?” asked the Devil.

            “What do you think?”

            Clarke stepped in for the first time since the conversation began. “Ma’am I’m afraid we are legally obligated to ask this question. You see, if you have prayed, and no reply has yet come before you meet us, then I’m afraid it isn’t part of God’s plan for your child to live.”

            The Devil nodded in curt agreement.

            “Is there nothing you can do? You can possess people, make them do horrible things but not prevent an innocent child from dying?” She cried as her passion, which was as great as her long, red hair was wavy flared.

            The devil intervened. “I didn’t say I can’t do it. If you want a deal, you have a deal, but there are no guarantees.”

            “What the Hell do you mean no goddamn guarantees?!” She was in the Devil’s face as she shouted this, he could feel the warmth of her breath, and hear the sound of her heart.

            Again, Clarke spoke. “We can make a deal, but it will only work if the paperwork doesn’t get filed by the time you die.” He paused before he continued the explanation. “I cannot legally say that this will happen, but judging by the chaos of the system, I think we may have a deal. You know we still don’t have a computer system? We still use an endless case filled with library cards.” The last part Edward Clarke said flirtatiously.

            This annoyed the Devil. “You’re done here, go back to Hell.” With a scream, and a sudden cloud of smoke Clark vanished

. “Now of course Claire, there are a few things you must know. Firstly, your son, assuming you die, before God gets the paperwork, has thirty-five years from this day to live. He will be cured, live a normal life, but the cancer will return, and it will be fatal next time. If you don’t die however before God gets the paperwork, you’ll son will die immediately, thus overriding our transaction. For consorting with me, you will go to Hell for all eternity. Well, unless you pray for forgiveness.” He coughed as he mumbled the last part.

            She sat down to look as if she were contemplating the choice. In truth she knew very well what she would do. She was going to take the deal. This was a bluff. She didn’t even think what lunacy it was to try and fool the bold deceiver. She was confident. When the Devil said nothing but just stared hungrily at her for a few minutes, she finally spoke. “We have a deal”.

            She signed the dotted line, she went back to her son, and the Devil went to Hell. The Devil forgot the dog food.

The Fire

Men of Fire, I am such

My soul it consumes ever burning, everlasting

Those around me, it may scorch, for it is I who carries an eternal torch

Like any passion it spreads, engulfing into a great flame

But in the end it is only I who am to blame

This longing, an eternal restlessness

For once I am there, the road does not end

As it began, it shall only do so yet again

Men of Fire, I am such

Eternal crusade, only others to persuade

Routine is death, damnation to Hell

Come follow to world’s end

Across the Oceans of sand and water

Through Mountains high and low

Over the hills and far away

Men of Fire, I am such

Never compromise even in death

Never surrender, no matter the case

Never give up, even in disgrace

Never doubt instinct or self

For this is the song of men of fire, I am such.

What to do with Gaddifi?

Well the time of Colonel Muammar Gaddafi's reign is running out. Will he be hailed accountable for his crimes? Or will he simply live in exile in some tropical place? If the first option isn't upheld, I believe that a third should be held over this despicable second, Gaddafi should for the common good be forced to do some tedious, stereotypical job once he is given the boot, from Libya. This job should have two fundamental requirements for his application to be considered, the first is that it must be immensely self-deprecating for the hilarity and general amusement of the world. Secondly he must be in the constant eye of the general public.

Gaddafi already has the outfit to be the doorman of the New York Plaza Hotel. If he is given this job, he should not be allowed to be tipped, and forced to live in the boilers closet on a mattress made from dirty old sheets, especially ones that contain very disturbing and questionable stains placed on top of a soggy layer of cardboard boxes containing toxic cleaning chemicals. He should also be on call 24 hours a day to do various odd jobs like opening and closing windows, fixing things that in essence don’t really need to be fixed, as well as room service, moving and lifting heavy shit. He must call everyone sir, even anyone that is somehow beneath him on the employee roll, his uniform must also not fit properly on purpose, and the company should always be making an example of him in full public view. Lastly he should be given nothing but a tooth brush and be told to fix any plumbing issues that may occur.

Another option would be that he should be hired by Adult Swim on Cartoon Network and made into an even fouler, shameful, idiotic character than he is already. It must be filmed live action, and he shall be deprived of sleep and brain washed to the point that he is convinced that he is a character in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”

While we are in media for a possible employment opportunity, I propose a new talk show should be aired on a specially created network funded by Oprah. The show should feature Mike Huckabee as the co-host of Gaddafi. Oprah has to fund this for all the shitty books she’s gotten people to read (especially the secret).

Another possibility is a fate worse than death proposed for the deposed Libyan dictator; he should put to work as a nurse assisting the most senile, difficult, racist elderly people in a retirement home. This home has to have a good mix of people losing their minds, people dumped there by their families, as well as disgruntled veterans. And Gaddafi must have group of security guards to make sure that the old folks just beat him with canes to the edge of death, and not further. This should also be aired as a reality show on A&E after “Dog the Bounty Hunter”. I strongly encourage and will be open to additional suggestions.

10 Unconsequential Life Lessons.

#1 Beware of religions involving the concept of "snake worship".

#2 Shooting something with a crossbow only causes more problems, and although it seemed so at the time is more often than not a bad idea, unless its really funny.

#2 While we are still on the subject of archery, the marriage between archery and alcohol will always end in an accident.

#3 There are not smart people, just those of us that are less stupid.

#4 Making an elaborate story full of details is not at all a good way to cover your tracks.

#5 Don't start anything you cant finish. I started a war against Cockroaches, failing to see that because they outlived the dinosaurs and every major mass extinction that victory for me would be about as likely as a needle actually in a haystack.

#6 Before making a list of 10 life lessons make sure you can muster 10 life lessons, the rest of this is going to be bullshit (as if the rest wasn't already bullocks).

#7 If it tastes like chicken, you're probably eating chicken and got scammed by the chef.

#8 Following the yellow brick road only leads to being accompanied by 3 fucking losers, and constant air assault from flying Monkeys, encountering a fraud who informs you all you had to do was walts out of this clusterfuck only to awake and find yourself living on in a nightmare dust bowl ravaged farm in the 8th circle of Dante's Inferno.

#9 If it looks like a pig, sounds like a pig, walks like a pig, You're an idiot for questioning it.

#10 If you made it this far, got help you have almost as much down time as me.

The Crisis in Egypt

The middle-east is a mess. It is the most troubled region in the world, there is war, oppression, and outright chaos. Egypt has taken the spot light at the moment. The 30 year reign of President Muhammad Hosni Mubarak has been one that has been shrouded in controversy since its inception following the assassination of President Omar Sadat by Egyptian Army Officers angry with this treaty with Israel following the Six Day War. There is lots of confusion in the word about this crisis. Some say it is the overthrow of a tyrant, others say it is just going to lead to the rise of another theocracy based ideological state in a region so filled with that already. But what is it really?

Let’s go back and look at history, not just history of the modern state of Egypt but going back to the land of the Pharaohs, in a time all but forgotten. Egypt is among the earliest and greatest civilizations the world as ever known. This is in-spite of the fact that the proud nation with such rich cultural heritage lies in the middle of the Sahara Desert. It is due to the miracle of the Nile River, that allows crops to grow, thus enabling an agricultural based powerhouse to flourish in the ancient world in a place the ancients called "The bread-basket of the world". Wars have been fought on this land for centuries, not just for its important resources but also for its location. Egypt holds among the most strategically located places on the map, it’s located at the northeast corner of Africa. To the North is the Mediterranean Sea where the Nile River empties into. The Nile pierces into the heart of Africa, making it the world’s longest running river. To the east, is Asia, and just to the north of that is Europe. It is due to its location that Egypt became among the most sought after prices in the world to conquer. It lies on the primary rout trade route of the ancient world, The Silk Road. Nations that conquered Egypt include many of the world’s greatest empires, The Hittites, The Assyrians, The Greeks, The Romans, The Arabs, The Ottoman Turks, and finally the British. The full list is much more comprehensive and probably never will be know entirely for sure. This stresses the strategic placement of the country though.

After Egypt finally gained its independence for Great Briton, the nation like it has so many times before in history remained a powerhouse in the region. The Suez Crisis of the 1960's escalated into one of the most important lesser known conflicts in modern warfare. WWIII was very narrowly avoided as well in this, as many historians would argue. Another crisis was the formation of the State of Israel. One the ignited centuries of turmoil between two Semitic peoples going back thousands of years to the tale of Abraham that the three great religions of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam claim a common originate from. Egypt finally sued for peace with Israel following the destruction of its military by the IDF during the Six Day War. For this Egypt lost its membership to the Arab League of Nations, and as mentioned above earlier, Omar Sadat lot his life, killed by army officers who felt disgraced and betrayed for this. But even with the attempted coup and assassination of the President, Egypt under President Mubarak (who was vice-president under Sadat) made good on the peace treaty, and continued to act intermediately between Israel and Palestine during peace talks. This has proved invaluable for foreign affairs and policy in the region, not just for the middle-east, but also for the United States, who have interests in the region, and close alliances as well. Egypt was finally admitted back into the Arab League in the 1980's. They nation has continually supported the United States in foreign policy several times over the years, from the Israeli- Palestinian conflicts, to the Libyan turmoil brought by Omar Kaddafi, and to the war on terrorism.

Even with this invaluable support the Egyptian Government has not been an excellent example of democracy in the works to say the very least. There have been reports of the illegal detention of so called enemies of the state, which includes journalists and other intellectuals. The oppression to the people of Egypt is beyond a doubt real. It is an issue that needs to be addressed, but in an orderly way. The chaos on the streets, the hundreds, maybe even thousands of casualties as a result, the endless looting are all a huge issue to consider before making a decision on how to handle this situation.

What should be done is that the United States Government and the Obama administration should bite their tongues and pledge their support for the current regime. It is as simple as this, they have gone out on the limb and given us a hand in key crisis' even with massive disapproval from the public, we should return the favor. As a nation how can our allies trust us when we take, and take, and take, but never give? A key part of international diplomacy is loyalty. And we are not being loyal. And with this chaos, who run the Egyptian Government? The mob? The Muslim Brotherhood? The Carter administration made the very dame mistake when handling the overthrow of the Shah of Iran. When the mob rules, it is the guys with the biggest guns that take control, and those guys in Egypt are the Muslim Brotherhood. We do not need or want another nation sympathetic go Jihad in that very troubled region. Al-Qaida is far from defeated, and intelligence reports confirm this. T.E. Lawrence, better known as "Lawrence of Arabia" said this "Rebellions can be made by 2 percent activity in the striking force and 98 percent by the passively sympathetic". This is all that needs to occur for an Islamic Fundamentalist Regime to take route. It is not in our best interest, nor in Egypt's, or the worlds for that matter to have another Iran. As for the destruction of antiquities and looting of the museum, that is not just the destruction of Egypt's heritage, but also of the worlds.

Why I Love the English Language

The English Language is one of the greatest expiratory oral exhibitions of sound ever to be created. President Clinton would disagree, he likes a repeating but consistent squashing sound coming from the muffled mouth of a fat chick, this oddly sounds similar to a leaky washing machine that rats of chewed the back end, making occasionally shutter. But enough of the overly extended metaphor (I was referring to Clinton getting a blow job in the oval office). The English language is great for the one reason that is officially not an inflective tongue, yet we have words that sound the same yet mean completely different things such as:

"Blow" as in "Man, Johnny got some damn fine blow in Hide Park last night"

This word is different but equally criminal in nature here "Saw Johnny at the corner last night. He was giving blow to buy more blows"

I love English. You can call America an imperialist asshole nation full of fat cheeto munching morons mooning the rest of the world, but remember this, when you come to America you will encounter a melting pot of assholes. Better understand what the hell is going on. Hell none of you probably have gotten this far and if you have, you need therapy bad. But anyway the English Language needs to be preserved. Sure language continually evolves, eventually changing into something unrecognizable from its original form, but evolution involves progress. What if we as a species had discovered fire, created the wheel, and created alcohol, all of these things contributing to the eventual urbanization of society, and to the we blew by incorporating all these things into one irresponsible activity at once?  Well, Ted Kennedy did it, but you get the flipping point. The point is don't give me these abbreviations for texts are part of the inevitable extension of language. I'll tell you one thing; this fancy talk of me may lead to the inevitable extension of some illiterate jocks fist into my totally pretentious face. The point is we must save language every time and individuals vocabulary does not expand, but either stays where it is and often shrinks, well that is verbal sodomy. Don't get me wrong sure it may be fun, but for fuck sake just do it once or twice, not all the time!